Sometimes...

Sometimes I'd rather just be one of my cats.  Then they could feed me, they could open the door every time I wanted in or out, they could make sure my water bowl was full and forgive me if I had a neurotic habit of pushing my water bowl across the kitchen floor constantly.

I'd be cajoled (and forgiven for intemperate language) when I'm irritated over being left out on my own all day just because I'd had a last minute urge to get a breath of air just as they were about to leave for the day.  It's just those little things I think I'd enjoy once in awhile.

I doubt they'd see it that way...

In bocca al lupo.  m (no v)

"Pride Goeth Before a Fall"

Oh this saga could not go on for long without some calamity (large or small) occurring.  This morning one occurred.  v decided he'd had enough of being waited on and decided to get up on his own.  We don't have Lassie, but we have a small cat named Emily who came trotting, with purpose, from the bedroom area just as I heard a shout.  If you don't know us personally (and I believe most who read this do) you should know that v is not a big man, not in stature that is.  Thank God for that.  He's back to bed, he's caught his breath, and he is uninjured and neither am I. They do say "Pride goeth before a fall"...my, my...

This weekend v's daughter has been down from Portland where she lives, works, and goes to school.  He has been a happy man having his beautiful daughter here beside him.  It's been good to have the late night company for me.  It has also been nice for me, aside from the company she provides, that she is also far more techno savvy than I am. She has fixed a few of the glitches I've somehow created with my Mac and taught me about some convenient settings.  Sadly, she leaves this afternoon (though, last evening, v was oddly more concerned with whether I'd be able to set him up to watch the Super Bowl), but we're working on getting her back soon.   A quick reminder that the 49er's lost made the need for a sick room man-cave less urgent.  Sheesh! life goes on even if it requires more external support. Thankfully, the game streams live on-line (at least, it did last year).

Our friend Father Bill came by again yesterday to give v communion and read to us from a book called "Psalms for Praying" by Nan Merrill.  It's a new translation and more contemporary interpretation of the psalms. As he read from one that sounded familiar (but do I know it???) a passage about polluting the seas came up that I thought would be particularly appropriate for the aquarium and the message of conservation of the oceans and marine life. It actually read "you have polluted the seas" and God doesn't like it! A major influence, wouldn't you say?

In bocca al lupo.  m & v

The Audition

Auditions for table dressing.  A new project for v and me when he gets home, which may be today!!!  Timing will be delicate as there is a football game this afternoon that he really, really wants to see...and we don't have a TV!  He has loads of invitations.  He can view each quarter from a different recliner, armchair, or sofa if he wants.  Or, he might be able to wait 'til after the game to come home.  I think I know a place...

Thank goodness we discovered last year that the Superbowl is streamed live on the computer.  He can be bundled up with his treats and watch here while I can be elsewhere in the house (or garden if the weather holds) doing non-football stuff.  And he can wear his jammies if he wants.

You know, I want to clarify why this blog even exists: it was created at the suggestion of an old, old friend who found me after a fifteen year loss of contact.  So much had changed; her address, she moved to Georgia! me; my name and address, and she found me!  The internet happened while we were silent, email, and this blog stuff.  Trying to send photos to her was causing problems with the emails so she, a woman who never learned to drive, encouraged me to start a blog so I could load up (gee, I guess that would be upload!) photos of my life and share with her.  I just couldn't do Facebook, I'm not that into reconnections. So here we are.  I am fascinated that a woman who has never turned a steering wheel can negotiate, and guide me through, the technical confusion of computer communications.

It's turned out to be a great way to keep our friends at the aquarium updated on v's condition.  I have been so surprised to hear various of our shift mates say, "oh, I read that on your blog"! Well knock me down with a feather!  Welcome all of you who are reading this.  I miss you and I miss the aquarium, in that order.  I'm really hoping to be back soon.  And v wants to visit again also, even though he ended up in the hospital shortly after the last time, it really gives him such an energy boost.

Oh, and just because I love seeing photos from France (especially Paris) since I can't get there:
check out the Valerie Jardin link to the right. She just posted a number of beautiful scenes.

In bocca al lupo.  m & v

Marmalade

Tonight we made marmalade.  Well, I did anyway. v kept me company sitting in the rocker in the corner of the kitchen. He and the cats listened to music and watched me stir, fill, and process.  It's so satisfying, you know?  Two years ago my "sewing day" friend and I took a marmalade workshop at Happy Girl Kitchen in Pacific Grove.  It was a fun class and we've been making marmalade, jam, jellies, and pickles ever since.  I love that little independent shop. It's very close to the Monterey Bay Aquarium.  Everything but our house is close to the aquarium!

The radiation is moving forward.  They informed us that they are radiating not only the tumor that is "eating" a piece of his spine, but that there is another, low down in his right lung that is "eating" (this is their word) into his chest wall. Well, gee, that didn't sound so good. They assured us that they are attacking the tumor in the lung also. A bone scan was done Thursday. You know, sometimes you just feel like you've been strapped to the healthcare conveyer belt.  We looked at each other when we got home and we both said "I don't want to know!"  Well, it was all right, because it came out negative. Ah! But still, it's almost a case of "so, anyway, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?"

And, I thank you, our friends who offer their kindnesses and support.  You all brighten our days and keep us above despair.

In bocca al lupo.  m & v

And Why Not?

Well, we didn't do a lot of decorating, but we did some and the place looks Christmas-y.  v has been up and down.  He was so happy to have his daughter here for the holiday, that was lovely.

It does seem that as we slay one dragon, another will rise up to take its place.  He's lost a dramatic amount of weight and has been complaining of the taste and texture of food.  He's been dealing with a sore throat for several weeks (he recently admitted). He was afraid that his throat cancer had come back.  We were so overjoyed to find that he had an infection (which could have been treated all along!).  Just as that was beginning to clear, and food was becoming enjoyable again, he now is suffering stomach pain from the antibiotic.  It's just a vicious cycle. We just move forward.

Every year, for the past several, we've been having a few friends over on New Year's Day to share black-eyed-peas and rice for a prosperous New Year.  We debated over having the gathering this year, but then we found ourselves mentioning it to one friend, and then suggesting another join us as well, and...well...It looks like a few people may indeed be coming by for that bowl of peas.  And why not?

In bocca al lupo.  m & v

Stre-e-e-e-etched

Sometimes it's just too much. Everything I have is just not enough.  What else can I say if I'm not heard anyway?

In bocca al lupo.  m & v

Down Days

Today v is down from the chemo.  All those months that he had very little reaction...Since September it has been knocking him down for several days after the infusions.  We're so happy that we accomplished so much yesterday.  It makes today, and probably tomorrow, that much easier to deal with.

In bocca al lupo.  m & v

Good News

Still working on some design ideas, this is part of the Beaches series.

CT results for v were very encouraging. They usually have been. However, this time the doctor made the comment "...of the tumors still remaining...".  Still remaining? Some have actually gone???  Yes, several per the doctor.  There are a few small ones outside of the liver area and a few remain in both lungs, however the largest (which had always been the largest) has diminished to around thumbnail size and had started out silver dollar sized.  Although the CT cannot perfectly visualize the esophagus it does show the area and that area appears normal.  So v is taking a break from chemo. He'll start again in September.  We took a celebratory getaway to Morro Bay to take some pictures for the current project.

We have now decided that both of us have gotten way out of shape.  Hiking sand dunes about did us in.  We've concentrated so much on his weight and preserving energy that we lost sight of something very fundamental; physical exercise.  So we see a lot of walking in our immediate future!

In bocca al lupo.  m & v

To Read in the Summer

More summer windows.  I'm just drawn to windows right now. We have been so busy here and will continue to be, a window like this makes me think about the slow times with a good book. My favorite reads are mystery novels, and not the gory or graphic ones.  I sometimes go through phases of reading the early detective novels from England. I also love the Dasheille Hammett stories; The Thin Man and The Maltese Falcon.  I've read all of the Raymond Chandler novels and especially love the ones written of places I knew growing up in Southern California. And yes! I'll admit it: I was (am) a huge fan of Nancy Drew. On my book table I have Annalee Newitz' book Scatter, Adapt, Remember  How Humans will survive mass extinction and Alan Bradley's latest Flavia de Luce novel Speaking From Among the Bones.

v started his latest round of chemo today.  He's been at this for ten months now.  He is stronger, has more energy, but less hair, and a very good appetite.  The doctor saw him today and is very pleased (almost giddy) with v's continued progress and good cheer. The nurses have called him their "healthiest sick patient", but I'm beginning to disagree.  He's not sick.

We continue to work on our latest project (soon!) and the garden and the aquarium.  We have such a busy and tight schedule this week that I was afraid we might not be able to take advantage of our impending apricot harvest, but I was able to get up early the other morning and can some apricot/cherry jam before breakfast!  I keep forgetting that jam and jelly making is so much easier than pie!

So, here is a window with a cushion just inviting anyone who wants to just curl up with that book and a cup of whatever...

In bocca al lupo.  m & v

Musings on Time and Energy

This is one of those years that just flies by without giving one the chance to catch a breath! Here we are in July already!  v has endured ten months of weekly, at times daily, chemotherapy and despite being mightily beat up in the process he has only shown improvement in his condition.  He is gaining weight and has ever-increasing energy.  He rarely lets his enthusiasm and happy experience of life wane.  I have never known anyone who has gone through this experience without frequent bouts of depression and fear. He is fearless.  Again, I doubt we'd come through all of this without such loving and devoted friends.  Our energies are focused on his well-being.  Sometimes trying to focus outside of that takes more energy than we can spare.  Our garden is an example of what has been neglected during this process.  We are relying on our local farmers' markets to supply us with the sweet, fresh vegetables that we normally have coming from just outside the kitchen door.  I'm sad about that, but just can't push myself out there to dig and pull...as much as those activities have been such a joyful escape in the past for me.

It isn't all v's cancer that is pulling at our energies.  I've returned to school, albeit part time.  We also have a design project that we spend many hours on and are hoping to soon have in production.  Until that time, we aren't leaking any more info on that subject.

July! Summer!  How did that happen so soon?

In bocca al lupo.  m & v

Our Bouquet

We have been going through the chemo process for eight months now.  The tumors have decreased significantly, but they haven't gone away.  v has been beat up, he's lost weight, he's lost hair, though quite a bit remains, and he's even lost teeth.  He is such a handsome man that what could have been devastating to many has only added character and strength to him.  He and I remain positive.  In the past few weeks he has actually regained much of his energy and his appetite is back to normal.  Except for our weekly travel to the Cancer Center it doesn't feel as though he is ill.  But it wears on us, on me.  It takes a lot of energy to be positive in the face of this.  Our lives have changed.  "Of course" you probably say.

Our life is a bouquet in which the arrangement has been altered.  We have added beautiful strong stems and we have removed the withered blossoms. We are held in a vase of strong, clear crystal and draw strength from the pure, nutrient rich waters.

We also draw our strength from each other and from the dearest, and truest friends.  I cannot imagine what we would have done, or what we could do without their love and support and guidance when we falter.  Thank you, every one of you.

In bocca al lupo.  m & v

Farmers' Market!

I've had a bad cold and cough.  V has started the next round of chemo and I had an assignment due, so I am just going to share what I loved about today's market...

Flowers

Oysters

Cookie samples

Strawberries

...and more flowers

In bocca al lupo.  m & v

Morning Coffee

So far so good, this morning.  We are moving slowly.  Coffee and the newspaper after breakfast.  I get to play with my new camera (a BIG learning curve).  Easy supper is already planned, we're having potato salad.  I picked up some nice baby potatoes at the farmers' market.  They are all different colors.  They are boiled, the eggs are cooling and the rest of the ingredients aren't aware of their fate as of yet.

V presented his pillow to me after he awoke to find quite a bit of hair remaining on it after his head had left it.  What can we do?  His hair is falling out.  As much as we hoped he would be one of the rare people receiving his type of chemo who do not lose their hair, he is not one of them.  We have caps and hats at the ready.  I have one on the needles as I write.  It needs a little backtracking.  I made a mistake somewhere.  But, it will be finished soon and it is of the softest blend of wool and silk and it's from Italy, as is v!  He has his energy and that is what I am most thankful for today.

Tomorrow is the Big Sur Marathon.  What a great spectacle.  If I were a runner I would run that race.  There cannot be a more beautiful venue.  Unfortunately, because of the race, Highway 1, south of Carmel will be closed.  That means we can't get to church. As much as this would be a great day off, it also signals our beloved Father Bill's last day this season.  He won't be back until November!  We dropped by to bid him farewell, yesterday.  I'm not a Catholic (v...) but this man is the most genuine, kind, wise, and sweet pastor anyone could look for.  It's a long stretch before November.

So, as I'd hoped for last evening; we have a free day to relax and put our feet up, or take them to the garden (maybe the library and a coffee later....maybe...).  Ah! here comes the sun!

In bocca al lupo.  m & v

Tomorrow we just stay home...

You know how, sometimes, all you want to do is put your feet up and read?  That's where I am these days.  It just seems like the clocks are running so much faster than I can keep up with. Everyday we vow: "tomorrow we just stay home and work in the garden".  Well...(maybe) tomorrow we will just stay home and work in the garden!  We'll see...

In bocca al lupo.  m & v

April Update

It's been awhile since an update about v.  He had a nice seven week break from his chemo, and had been in a partial remission.  Unfortunately a PET scan late last month revealed that the tumors are once again active and growing.  They are still much smaller than he started out with back in October.  However he has also been found to be quite anemic and deficient in iron.

Last week he underwent another  Upper GI scope and was found to have esophageal ulcers which were causing him a lot of discomfort.  Happily, the gastroenterologist also reported that the esophageal tumor looks much smaller from what he saw in October.  He says that it is difficult to visualize, though, due to the ulcerations. He has v on a new medication that is classified as a proton-pump inhibitor.  After two days worth of doses his pain was gone and he has been able to enjoy a nearly normal diet.

He has started on a new chemo drug (new for him) which is intravenous only. He receives infusions once a week for three weeks and then has a week off before beginning the cycle again.  Eventually he will have some hair loss.  He has beautiful curly hair, but he is far more beautiful than any hair he will lose.

He's just midway through the second week of the new infusions.  Last week was very difficult for him due to the epigastric discomfort he was experiencing.  This week has been better.  The side effects are supposed to be milder with this "new" drug, but he seems to experience his usual two and a half days of being down.  For his anemia he is receiving iron infusions.  So, he is doing okay, but he is weak.  With his discomfort and the fasting for the test earlier this week he lost some weight, but we will work on that.  Sometimes he needs a little extra encouragement to remember to eat.  It's a balancing act. We both are on a tightrope here.

As always we are buoyed by the love and care of our friends.  Without their understanding and support we would crumble under this pressure.

But I must admit, the garden has suffered. Not only from the time and energy taken away by care for v, but after losing our dear Hannah last year we didn't think about spreading our annual bales of straw over the fall garden when we put it "to bed".  We always spread the straw with the intent of keeping mud out of the house.  It never occurred to us that we were also keeping many, MANY weeds at bay.  So, when time and energy permits, we are hacking through a jungle of growth out there in the back garden.  Oh My!

But for pretty spring garden pictures I will post a couple that I have used for inspiration in our front garden. Cerinthe and Abutilon from a garden we admired in Mendocino last month.

And from around our front parlor window, Banksia roses:

In bocca al lupo.  m & v

Translate Button Added!

My morning this morning.  v is off on assignment and I crept back into bed, after he left, to savor my coffee and the early morning sunshine.

I have added a translate button to this blog.  I've also added one to the blog that is just for chronicling my  growth (hopefully) with photography: Biondography.  I notice that I have had visits from several other countries which I find really exciting and gratifying.  I want to make it easy to share our thoughts and experiences here.

As for v's cancer; we are in a sort of limbo.  We know from the CT scan results that the tumors remain present, but we don't know how active they may be.  His physical condition is so good that the doctors are offering alternatives for us.  He can take a break from treatment for the time being.  He can begin another round of chemotherapy with a new combination of drugs, one of which will cause hair loss.  He can, if authorized by his insurance, begin a maintenance regimen.  All with close monitoring and, all of the above will depend on the outcome of another PET scan.  The doctor's office is attempting to obtain authorization for that test.  As best I can explain: the PET scan will show metabolic activity of the tumors and let us have more information about what is actually happening.  As what most people who know what v is going through generally remark: he looks far too healthy to be dying.  He gains weight consistently, he has no difficulty eating or swallowing, his energy and activity level has improved, and he has little, or no, discomfort.

We have decided that, as much as possible, we aren't going to live under a cloud. 

Mostly this morning I just wanted to introduce our new "translate" button.  Now I hope to hear from some of those people in countries I have to find on a map when I see them listed as having visited.

In bocca al lupo.  m & v   

Getting Tired!

Things have been so crazy lately. Good news, bad news, revised news.  Then there's just plain trying to keep up with the day to day!  

Tomorrow I will be:

At least I think I'll have a break!

In bocca al lupo.  m & v

Golden Moments and Ginger Tea

When v is not feeling well either physically, or emotionally, I make him a cup of tea.  Our sweet and wonderful Dr. Myrt taught me to make fresh ginger tea.  This was the last time he had a bout with cancer so I may have altered the process a little, but this is what I do:

I take a knob of ginger root, peel it with a vegetable peeler, then slice thin little pieces off of it.
I chop the pieces then just pour boiling water through my little strainer into the cup.  I let this steep for ten minutes.  For v, who's sweet tooth knows no bounds, I add a spoonful of thick, golden honey to the cup.  For myself; straight up.

I have enjoyed the solitude and stillness of the middle of the night while steeping this tea.  Sometimes I look out the window, down the street to see who else might be up in the wee hours of the morning. Once in a while I am not alone.  I will occasionally see our friend, and neighbor Craig, of Fog's End Distillery, drive by in his truck on his way to fire up the still in Gonzales.  He says he heads out so very early because he happens to wake up then.  I think he might also enjoy the solitude.

When we are anxious these golden moments of solitude bring me peace.

In bocca al lupo.  m & v

A Change

Another update regarding v and the outcome of his most recent CT scan.

It wasn't what we'd hoped for.  Last time he showed a very dramatic improvement with the two largest tumors having reduced by over 50%.  This time both have shown a very small increase.  Very small...but increased never-the-less.  His chemotherapy medication and regimen are to be changed.  He was able to stop taking the pills that he has had to take twice a day for two weeks out of three. His infused medications will be altered.  Instead of once every three weeks he will go in once a week for three weeks with a one week break between cycles.  Of the side effects that can occur, one will be hair loss, so I will be knitting him some more caps.

We are very sad, at the moment, but we don't tend to stay down very long.  The doctor has released v to return to our Monterey Bay Aquarium volunteer shifts. We will be very happy to be back among the other volunteers, the endlessly fascinating visitors, and, of course, the marine animals.  We've been told there is now an additional Hammerhead Shark in the Open Sea as well as two Molas. We stopped in, briefly, yesterday just for the energy the place gives us.

As always we are amazed and grateful for the love and support offered by so many of our friends and acquaintances.  Without them we just couldn't make it through this, sometimes, overwhelming experience.

We love to receive comments and we know that we have readers in Europe, Scandinavia, Asia, and Russia. We would love to receive a hello.  v has lived in Germany and worked internationally as well as having been born in Italy.

In bocca al lupo.  m & v

Round Five

Another update on v. Today he began round five of his chemotherapy.  He is tolerating it beautifully.  No upset stomach and no more fatigue.  He takes his oral chemo twice a day for two weeks, in addition to the infusion every three weeks.  It may be that I am now more traumatized by the start of each cycle than he is.  As he puts it, he is going through a process.  I just see the poison he is having to accept and ingest.  

How is he?  He is putting on weight, he is full of energy, and his lab work is outstanding.  He is no longer anemic and it has been several weeks since his last iron infusion.  That has stabilized.  As always we continue to remain optimistic that v will ultimately go into remission (sooner than later, he feels).  We have an enormous amount of support from coast to coast and even internationally.  

After his infusions we took a short walk downtown in Monterey then took in a matinee of Zero Dark Thirty.  We enjoyed that.  It was very well done.  This evening we are relaxing and listening to the radio. m-e came by with lemon meringue pie so, tonight, dessert was first.  Simple pleasures and life remains sweet.

In bocca al lupo.  m & v