Now is the moving forward portion of my life. But moving forward entails so much of what is left behind. The process of sorting. The process of letting go of some things and realizing somethings cannot be released, not now...if ever.
What has been the hardest has been the slow, slow business of notifying people of v's death. He spent only five days, out of all the days he fought, in the hospital. Unfortunately, while he was in the hospital his phone, with all of his contacts, was lost. v wasn't one to update his phone, or back up his information. Over the past two and a half weeks I have been connecting through threads of association, of who knows who, and messages left in hopes they would be delivered. In the meantime I've been receiving cards, and letters, and flowers from people I've never met and phone calls from people I've rarely spoken with from points international. He touched so many people. Sometimes I believe if I walked through the streets of the Monterey Peninsula, and beyond, with his picture on a sign I would collect a string of acquaintances the way the Pied Piper collected the children of Hamlin.
What has been the most remarkable has been the outpouring of support from our friends who haven't allowed me to fall into a pit of despair. I have daily text conversations, email threads, phone calls, and visits. I haven't returned to our shift at the Monterey Bay Aquarium, but I have been attending the Monday classes for the new guides. It's like desensitization. I hope to return next month. I know it will be a bright spot in my weeks, but even the thought of the vacant seat next to me, the lost conversation on our way to and from, and the joy of exchanging what transpired through our day leaves me breathless still...
In bocca al lupo. m